The prodigal daughter returns… November 8, 2009

well, it is of no use to try and recap the last 7 months since i have last typed words onto this page. I have been here before, but not with such a big gap. So much has happened in my life since I last wrote. Many changes. When we anticipate change, we can either allow the truth to prevail which is that change is unpredictable, incalculable and incontrollable. Or we can drive ourselves crazy by trying to predict its direction. I’ve decided to take everything in stride, sometimes a giant sometimes a small step at a time. It does not mean that I don’t freak out at times or get frustrated or depressed or tired. I do. but I also take breaks of deep breaths..inhalation, exhalation…energetic vibes of acceptance, freedom and responsibility. Reality. Pain. Interaction. Communication. Question. Answer. More questions. Unanswered questions. Mystery. Ecstasy. Low. High.

Everything comes together when you are open to change. Everything falls apart and only when you stop trying to control destiny does your breathing begin to loosen and lighten up.

And then you meet people. Many people. Sometimes more than you can handle. And you open yourself up to them because your motto is curiosity. They come into your life…some stay a while, others peak in for only a short time. Some give and some take. Some make you cry, some make you laugh. Some challenge you, others inspire. Control becomes a topic of thought. self control. Environmental control. Control of others. And then I let go because it takes too much effort to control anything nowadays. And it doesn’t fit my philosophy. I learn so much about people. About men. About myself. About friendship. About true and false desires, about insecurities, about fears, about simple joys and about wishes.

There is a lot of movement, a lot of rollercoaster rides, a lot of emotions and a lot of moments when I feel like hiding away. Sometimes I run with open arms in the fresh fields of my being and at other times I quietly tiptoe narrow and unknown paths.

But what is most important to me is that I am walking that path of authenticity. It is what I wanted for a long time. When I separated from my husband I told myself that no longer would I neglect any side of my being for someone else. it was never a vengeful thought. It was simply a realization that “enough is enough”. I find that it is still difficult to always be authentic. Why? Because at times I am not sure what I really want. Authentic means being real and true. Being YOURSELF. It means saying and doing what I want. Without arrogance, without egotistical selfishness but with determination, respect for self and others. Being such an active person and having outside and inside stimulation almost every moment of the day I find myself having to constantly make decisions. I find myself having to check in with my feelings all the time. Do I like this or not? Do I want more of this or not? Is this good for me? What is my goal? What if the feeling is temporary, what if I change my mind and hurt someone in the process? These are only a few of the questions that constantly roam my thoughts.

Yesterday I spent the day with my very good friend T. We took a long walk in the park, talked, took photos, listened to spontaneous live music… there were so many moments of magic for me/for us. Towards the end of our walk T said to me: Listen, let’s do an experiment. Let’s visualize and meditate on something we really want and see if it will happen. Nothing too intense. Just for experiment sake. I liked that idea a lot. It goes hand in hand with the topic i have been occupying myself with for a while now: wishing. (I have been reading a very good book called “The Wishing Year” by Noelle Oxenhandler ~ more about that in another post) We spent a few minutes trying to think of something not too heavy. She decided that she wanted to receive an email from a friend she hadn’t heard from in months. I decided that in the next days I wanted a total stranger to say something poignant to me. Something that I would notice, that would make me think… we haven’t consciously meditated yet. But we will. And we are both curious to see if it will work. I believe it will. Because I believe in this kind of shit.

Why do we journal? March 24, 2009

I was talking with a friend on the phone yesterday. He asked me what I was doing. I am writing in my journal, i told him. He doesn’t know me too well so it was the first time he found out that I like to write. Do you write in a book or online? Both, i told him. My journals are more intimate though. I write everything. At least I try to. I also try to be completely honest..no bullshit..details are acceptable and fits of anger, lust, longing and frustration very frequent.

He then told me about a former girlfriend of his. How she also wrote in journals. That she had over 10 books. I asked him if he ever thought of writing himself. “you know, my ex girlfriend told me that the reason I don’t need to write is because I am always happy.” Even she rarely wrote while she was with him. because she too was happy.

I liked that comment. It got me thinking.

My sister in law told me something similar once. Before she met my brother, she used to write in journals all the time. She used to fill pages and pages. She used to be miserable. Then she met my brother and the pages of her journals remained empty and untouched. She was happy. She told me she had no more reason to write.

So what about me? If I write, does it mean that I am not happy? I consider myself a generally happy person. I am in love with life, I love people and I’m pretty content to be me. So what does it mean to be happy? To have no problems? impossible. No uncomfortable situations? Improbable. Life is filled with challenges and questions. And writing is my way of answering these questions. Life is also about challenging my own mind. it’s about growing and changing. And all these challenges and questioning moments are what make me (and every human, for that matter) alive and real.

My journal is the portal to my psyche which in turn attempts to answer these questions. It is my way of communicating with that part of me that needs to be heard, that sometimes falls asleep, that hides in a dark corner, that is dying to break free. That part of me that needs to understand why people do what they do. Why I do what I do. It is a way for me to come closer to my own happiness. Which is understanding. Openness. Love. Joy. Forgiveness. Wild pleasure. Experience. And much much more.

But I agree with my friend that I don’t write as much when i am really happy…or perhaps the word is not happy…perhaps it is: satisfied? not in the mood to challenge myself or life? in love? lazy?

I LOVE the tumultuousness of life (minus the drama)…it is like taking a deep breath that engulfs beauty in every form. This is what inspires me to ask questions and to write pages and pages…and then…then…I experience a different kind of happiness. One that tells me: oh yeah! ok! I get it. I have gotten just one tiny little step closer to a sense of deeper connection and understanding of the mystery that is me…the mystery that is you…the mystery that is life.

I grow. I learn. I listen. I watch. I feel. I write.

Après la pluie…le beau temps March 11, 2009

It’s been a while since I have been here on a regular basis. Not sure exactly why the absence. Well, that’s not the complete truth. My entire life has changed. That’s the only reason.

But the change has been by choice. Painful, yes. Sad, yes. A relief? yes. It was time to take life in my own little hands and walk to a deep place in the woods. For a long time I have been having this image/metaphor in my mind of the place I want to be at right now. It is deep in the woods. Very tall trees. Sunlight gently caressing the branches and resting on the crackling little leaves. I am in the center and I look around. I am lost. I want to be lost. At least for a little while. Perhaps a few months, a year, even two? There is no path? no. I don’t want there to be a path. I am tired of paths. I don’t want to walk out to a clearing. not yet. I want to turn in circles and look around. I want to take deep breaths and feel the cold air in my lungs. I want to…I want to…be me. Completely. Authentically. And THAT takes time. And it takes freedom to experiment. To play. To feel lonely. To look outside and inside…to open new doors and say yes when habit says no.

I have not written here because I am not sure how much I want to share with the invisible reader. It frightens me at times..but then I tell myself that others might relate. And I remind myself that I like to communicate. And that perhaps I need to dare be more vulnerable.

photo by gardenergal on flickr

love, friendship, peace, art… February 14, 2009

when life changes… February 10, 2009

When your life changes, you do things you have always done..and then you do new things. You meet new people. You feel liberated. Sometimes you feel sad and long for what was familiar. And then you decide to knit on the couch and watch a Lebanese film ~ to heat up left overs for the 3rd time ~ to feel empty and full at the same time ~ you listen to italian music from the 80s ~ and then copy a quote a dear friend sent you:
“Ce qu’on apprend dans la vie, c’est la grammaire du silence, la leçon de lumière. Il faut du temps pour apprendre. Il faut tellement plus de temps pour s’atteindre.“(Bobin)

and you try not to think too much about what will happen next. because thinking too much gets you confused and depressed and lost. and then you remember that you wanted to be lost for a little while. you wanted to turn in circles in the middle of tall trees — a sort of meadow that has no specific paths. you hate paths right now, even though you know you need them.

and then you wonder how much you will tell the world about what you are going through. and you feel like things could be worse…

freedom has a price. you don’t yet know what it is. you are redefining your world, your self. the world right now is a white sheet of paper on which you can draw and write and sing, dance and jump. even your tears will decorate parts of it…but that’s ok. it’s what you wanted.

Quote of the day ~ 1/27/09 January 28, 2009

You know you’ve gained weight when the belt is temporarily unnecessary.

The Check has finally been Cashed January 19, 2009

It goes without saying that today, more than EVER, this amazing speech of Martin Luther King Jr.’s has a new meaning. The time has finally come, it took too long…but it has finally come.

Happy Birthday Dr. King!

Slow and Steady January 18, 2009

photo by Jerry L. on flickr

I subscribe to a blog called Zen Habits. And I’m glad I do. Its author, Leo Babauta (lives on Guam, married, 6 children, runner, vegetarian, writer) writes some pretty good “stuff” about: achieving goals, productivity, being organized, GTD, motivation, eliminating debt, saving, getting a flat stomach, eating healthy, simplifying, living frugal, parenting, happiness, and successfully implementing good habits.

In his latest post, he links to another author, Ian Newby-Clark (Habit Guy) of My Bad Habits who wrote this article about the Power of Gradual. Here is a exerpt:

Try this as an experiment. Make a tap leak ever so slightly—maybe a drop every half minute or so. Put an empty bucket below it. Now, go on with your day. Forget about the tap. Actually, I don’t need to tell you to forget the tap. You just will. Sometime later, stroll by the bucket. Holy heck! There’s a lot of water in there. It might even be overflowing (the author will not be held responsible …). That’s the Power of Gradual. It’s the effect of a small thing happening over and over (and over) again.

read more…

On and off I think about this topic and every time I stop and look back, I have to agree that things typically don’t happen overnight. Sure, sometimes we have to make drastic decisions. Sometimes we DO have to just quit that job from one day to the other because we just have had enough. But when it comes to goals and dreams…the age old “take it one day at a time”, “step by step” is probably one of the most profound suggestions that exists. I used to be a lot less patient. I used to get frustrated with myself (mostly) because I expected semi-instant results. Also, being a chronic procrastinator, I have often accomplished projects in the last minute. I can remember so many times in College when I had final papers to write and of course I’d wait until the day before it was due to work on it. Sure, an all nighter lead to an intensity that surprisingly turned into genuine interest in the subject matter. This, without fail (every time) would frustrate me to no end. Why? Because I’d realize that if I had just started my project earlier and worked on it a little bit every day, I would have written an A+ paper. (sidenote: I have to admit though that I do well under pressure and sometimes come up with my most creative results in that manner)

And so lately I have been reminding myself more and more to do a bit every day of whatever I want to achieve. If it’s cleaning my apartment: instead of spending an entire day cleaning every corner of the apt and usually never finishing because I am SO exhausted (oh, and distracted)…clean the living room one day, the bathroom the next day, the kitchen…
If it’s posting on my blog, preparing photos to upload to flickr, posting on facebook, keeping in touch with friends…a bit every day/other day will get me to where I want to be.
With my desire to become a better writer (oh yes!): write every morning…a page, two pages…but WRITE! As a friend of mine writes to me in encouragement: THE VOICE will come…
And especially with my long term goals…again and again I come to the same conclusion: don’t expect instant gratification. Be patient and stick with it. And I find that it does work. The key (at least for me) is consistency. Especially if they are more abstract goals (such as “becoming a better writer”)…you just gotta keep at it…but in a gentle and underwhelming way.

I am not a parent, but I know that many parents have the desire to “be a better parent”. This is a huge topic…and yet so simple. I believe that nowadays too many parents think they have to do “big” things with their kids to make them happy or prove to themselves that they are good parents. Wrong. I find that the best parents are those who spend a bit of quality time every day with their children, who stop every once in a while and just listen, who watch a movie with their kids, who sit and have a meal as a family (an endangered species)…just little things here and there, simple, nothing extravagant…that to me is what makes a parent rock.

As I was searching for something else on google, I also came across this article, The Oak Tree vs. the Microwave, on a blog called Succcess.org. And sure enough, it talks about the same subject of instant gratification, the need for patience, the nurturing of dreams, ideals and goals.
Here is an excerpt:

There are many young adults today completely lost. Totally disillusioned and frustrated.

So many fine young men and women in their 20s, 30s, and even 40’s who’ve lost touch with the natural maturation process of personal development and personal success. These individuals seek instant gratification. They want success, and they want it now! The phrase, “paying your dues” unfortunately, doesn’t register or doesn’t apply to them . . . or so they think.

Why? I’m thinking you can go ahead and blame it on the microwave oven. Yes, the microwave oven. Think about it, these same “kids” are now adults and they’ve only known one thing — instant gratification! Need a quick meal? Pop it in the microwave. How about some leftovers – throw it in the microwave. The trusty microwave has now made the concept of “waiting” obsolete.

read more…
And so it is with everything. Even finding these articles and blogs. The beauty of the internet is that we can find (if we search) all sorts of interesting things that help us take these slow steps. Every day a little bit and eventually our bucket of life WILL fill with clear, refreshing and tasty water…

Quote for Today ~ 16 January, 2009 January 16, 2009

One of the least discussed issues of individuation is that as one shines light into the dark of the psyche as strongly as one can, the shadows, where the light is not, grow even darker. So when we illuminate some part of the psyche, there is a resultant deeper dark to contend with. This dark cannot be let alone.
Women Who Run With The Wolves ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Quote for Today ~ 15 January 2009 January 15, 2009

Freedom isn’t the choice the world encourages.
You have to wear a suit of armor to defend it.
Brian Morton ~ Starting out in the Evening