Choices we make August 26, 2008

Written while sitting, as usual, at my favorite cafe (Trieste) one evening. It has been a few weeks since I have written in my blog and this does not promise to be uplifting and positive. It is how I have been feeling lately, for the most part. But being that I am quite the optimistic, positive, life-affirming being (you wouldn’t think that from reading this, would you?)…it is just me sharing all sides of…ME. Trying to be real:

I should be feeling the waves of passion rushing through my veins. But I don’t. I am a bit warm from the wine. So it is “fake” of some sorts. It’s a beginning. A bumpy beginning. A zigzagonal beginning. A rebirth. A dying. I am beginning to shed the old layer of my worn out self. I don’t rush it. I haven’t until now, so it’s not the time to start changing these ways of mine.

People sit — busying themselves with their own egotistical life moments. We are all ego-driven, self-centered narcissists. We choose partners, friends, children who will feed our needs. Our needs to be heard, to be paid attention to. To compensate or perhaps even maintain the level of attention we’ve received as infants: really the only time our true needs are met voluntarily. Our entire life we spend searching for partners who satisfy this longing — ideally it is a perfect balance — a match between the actor and the audience. Ideally, this partnership is interchangeable. When it is, we live in peace. We float in the illusion of having found happiness. For a while. And if we are strong and true to ourselves, we look in the mirror at some point and weigh the odds. And we ask ourselves the question: am I really happy? Can I continue on this path for the rest of my existence?

It is always a risk to ask this question. We may dislike even the act of having to look deeper into the answer. But once we do we must be willing to jump off the high cliff — down into the fog of uncertainty and fall into the muddy waters of loneliness…and freedom…and authenticity. Or we make a choice to stay in what we convince ourselves to be the best we can or want to do. And we choose to work at it — we look at each other and say: you are worth it. But we choose to stay because it is the lesser of two evils.

Connections in the air August 6, 2008

Most of my mornings are pretty much spent the same way: I wake up early (anywhere between 5am and 7am) even though I don’t have to go to work until later. I make coffee. I turn on the computer and I sit in front of it for at least an hour (sometimes a LOT longer). I first check all my emails. I respond to most of them. I might read an article or two on Alternet.org. I then check to see if any of the people whose blogs I subscribe to have posted anything new (I use FLOCK, check it out!). And then I read…and read…and comment…and go to links…sometimes I get so inspired that I write a post of my own (like right now)…other times I get distracted. Or I decide to go for a walk/run at Crissy Field…or go do some morning writing at Cafe Trieste…

Today I am inspired to share with you some of the blogs I follow. Some people write on a regular basis and every time I see a “1″ next to the name of their blog my tiny little cheerleader in a yellow dress yells ra ra ra!

I’ve been following Deonne Kohler’s blog Life on the High Wire for a few weeks now. Here is what she writes about herself:

I’m a freelance writer and soon to be MFA student, and my goal is to craft a successful creative life – without a soulless day job or trust fund. Can it be done? Hell yeah! Follow along as I navigate grad school and life as a new New Yorker…

I LOVE her writing. She makes fun of herself, is curious, quirky and does all the things I would do if I lived in New York City. She walks the city, observes people, observes herself all the time, lets us know when she has sighted someone famous (and her description of herself when she has “sighted” is hilarious!). She’s turned the jacket of her soul inside out…and we get to see it all!

Sambgood is a young girl (my guess is she is in right around 20 if even as I think she just started College) who wants to be a writer. Why do I like her blog? Again, she writes very creatively, honestly, has a healthy sense of humor…I admire her youth and determination to become a writer. Man, I wish I was 20 again!
On her blog, she has what she calls “The Back Cover”:

The Back Cover
Why I Blog

When you pick up a book, you may flip it to read the back. You may want to see a brief synopsis, a good blurb review, or an unresistable hook–anything, really, to urge you to turn to the first page and read the first word and fly by the first sentence.

This is my back cover:

I, Samantha, am a University student who loves to read and write.

(Actually, I’m addicted, mostly to reading, and even wrote how much I’m addicted in a college application. (I sent it in. I was rejected. Eh.))

Although I love it, or perhaps because I love it, I’m still learning. As I learn, I want to share my experiences with you. Here, posting at least five times a week, you can read some of my thoughts on writing and life as I grow as a writer and as a person. You might enjoy them as much as I enjoyed writing them. So have fun, read, comment, and perhaps recommend this to a friend. Either way, I would love for you to join my journey to be the best writer I can be.

The Crossroads is written by a young man in his early 40s. He is from the US but lives in Australia with his family. He struggles through life and shares that with us. I don’t think he realizes how many people actually relate to what he writes (I do)…I love his rawness, realness and fearlessness about showing his vulnerable side. His writing is clever, smart, sometimes painful and sometimes funny.
Here is what he writes about himself:

There are over 100 million blogs (and counting); in time my exercise in self-discovery may simply prove to be “lost in time… like tears in rain”.

On the other hand, I may later reflect on what I chronicle here as either profound observations of what it means to be a man with many flaws… or the trite, self-indulgent affirmation that, despite my efforts, I believe what I read in The Alchemist: “…that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what’s happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate.”

This blog is (like so many) an autodidactic exercise in writing so I may hopefully gain a reputation as a very cunning linguist.

Cheers!

Lastly for today (I might add more at a later time) the latest one I have discovered is Ms. Single Mama. As you can see from her name, she is single and a mother. I am not single nor am I a mother. But I love to read what she writes and somehow I can relate to it. She is pretty feisty, funny, to the point, no messin’ around with this mama! and yes, I love how she writes…
about Single Mama:

Prince Charming can kiss my ass.

I am a 29 year old, divorced single mom. I left my husband when my son was just four months old. I started this blog one year later.

During that first year, I was hunting – searching for someone to rescue me. And then something happened. I sucked it up and opened my eyes … realizing that I didn’t need a man at all, I just wanted one. There’s a big difference.

When you are a single mom, juggling a full-time job and raising a munchkin – it’s hard to find time to paint your toenails, let alone go out on a date. We don’t have time for rules or drama. We also look at men differently. They could look hot in that pair of jeans but will they be a good father? Would they be a good husband?

This isn’t easy. There aren’t any clear answers. We can’t make it all go away but we can make it better – piece by piece, day by day. And in the meantime we can keep each other company.

That’s it for today.

I believe that we can and need to take the Internet to a level that connects us more. If already some of us (many of us!) spend a lot of time in front of this screen…if already we throw up the dirt and gently toss the roses at the world…then let’s acknowledge each other. Let’s connect from the comfort of our messy little rooms…because that is all we long for, isn’t it? It is all we have ever wanted since we took our first breath of life.
And those of us who are lucky enough to have discovered the passion of expression through writing…those of us who feel more alive when we take that ball of emotions/stories/discoveries/frustrations and throw it far far into the air…once in a while we deserve to be told by a total stranger: hey! I caught it! I’m holding it! I’m with you!

And then, for a moment, you can feel the gentle hand of that stranger on your shoulder…and for that moment you feel connected. And that feels DAMN good!

1000 Journals August 3, 2008

Here is how the film begins:

 

If you ask a kindergarten class how many of them are artists, they’ll all raise their hands. Ask the same question of 6th graders, and maybe one third will respond. Ask high school grads, and few will admit to it. (explained in Orbiting the Giant Hairball)

What happens to us growing up? We begin to fear criticism, and tend to keep our creativity to ourselves. Many people keep journals, of writing or sketching, but not many share them with people. (when was the last time a friend invited you to read their diary?) You will not be judged here. And you will have company. This is for you. For everyone.

 

Where the hell have I been all these years?  How is it that I haven’t heard (ever!) about the 1000 journals?  

Yesterday I went to see the documentary film called 1000 Journals with my friend Thi Thi.  It is about a san Francisco graphic designer/artist called Someguy who decided in 2000 to send out 1000 blank journals into the world.  He mailed many, gave many of them to friends who were traveling, left others in random spots in the city (next to a public phone, in the SF Weekly “box”, on a park bench, in cafes and bars…)

On the last page of each 220 page blank journal are instructions: to write/draw/paint in the journal, keep it for 2 weeks and then pass it on.  People are asked to scan what they wrote and submit it to the website created for this purpose only.  When the journal is complete, it is to be sent back to Someguy.  It took 3 years for the first journal to make it back “home”.  He has received more since (can’t remember how many), but certainly not close to as many as he’d like to.  The project has turned into a search for the missing journals.

 

1000 Journals has become a movement…Andrea Kreuzhage, the filmmaker (comes from Heidelberg, Germany but has lived in Los Angeles since the 90s) became obsessed with the whole concept of these journals.  This inspired her to make this amazing documentary film.  She tracks down some of the people who have contributed to the journals (travelled all over the world to interview them), recreates the process Someguy went through to get this project launched.  We were lucky enough to get to meet her after the film and ask her questions.  

 

From the get-go of the film I thought my heart was going to explode.  Thi Thi and I both kept giggling and squeezing each other’s arms every few minutes.  This film, this idea, this creative process is so inspiring and full of life.  The idea of having people express their creativity in a journal (something many people already do, but unfortunately too many others don’t), know that it will travel the world, use the internet to document and share the pages one by one is to me fantastic!  

 

I needed to see this film.  It was the nudge I needed since I’ve been feeling a bit depressed and uncreative lately.  

 

This film will show this week only at the Roxie Theatre in the Mission district until Thursday, August 7th.  If you are in the San Francisco area, try to see it.  If not, you might want to check out the website to see where it will be shown in the future:  www.1000journals.com

Here’s an interview I just found: Andrea Kreuzhage and Someguy riffle through “1000 Journals”