thinking about creativity April 11, 2008

(first of all, I know I have written about this topic before…and I am being way too lazy to research…so I am probably repeating myself here. But if I can’t quite remember it and am too lazy to look back, I am sure you, the reader, will do the same…so, sorry for the possible repetition)

In the last few days I have been thinking a lot about creativity / art. What is creativity? I guess the simple/short answer is: whatever you do is creativity. Creativity is found everywhere. Art, business, life…The more creative = the more unique. The more unique…brings up more questions. What is “unique”? How does one reach “uniqueness”?

I think I am creative, but sometimes I also think I am lazy. After observing myself for all these years, I find that my creativity is very spontaneous and comes and goes. For instance, right now I am again more into photography. At other times I get back into creative writing mode. And then I might get a burst of energy and make jewelry, or cards, or something brand new. This process (and cycle) has been going on for years now. I never stick to ONE THING and usually my cycles last anywhere from 3 days to 6 months. I find that taking photos is probably my favorite creative outlet because I always have my camera with me.

And then I think about talent / skill. This morning I emailed a fellow flickr photographer Thomas Hawk and asked him how he got to where he is. I LOVE his photography! Not only because of his style, but because he likes to document. And taking photos for me is mostly about documenting. I didn’t read his profile in details but I guess he has been doing this for many years and is probably trained as a designer / photographer / whatever else. It makes me want to strive to be a better photographer. But somewhere in my psyche, I still don’t take myself seriously as an “artist”. I have a mental block about getting a proper education in any of these fields. Why? I guess I am afraid. Afraid that I will not like the class(es) and will drop it just like I dropped others in the past. Then I wonder why I drop classes. Expectations are too high? Disappointed? Impatient? Lazy to do the hard work? Afraid that I will miss out on other “passions” I have?

Like I wrote before, I am spontaneous. My creativity and passion comes and goes. When it comes I am completely dedicated and committed. Once it goes, that’s it. Coldness sweeps in and I drop it without a second thought. I guess I hate that about myself, but then I think I shouldn’t because perhaps that is also my strength. Like right now, I don’t think I can write one really creative sentence…and yet when I am in my creative writing mode I can come out with some pretty good stuff (at least to myself).

And so I struggle. Again. Always. It is a constant battle in my heart and mind. I think I don’t need classes. I am self taught. I know more than many people because I took the time to read books and learn on the net and learn by just doing it. Will I always be a Jill of all trades, master of none? Or do I need to bite the bullet and take those damn classes! Aren’t there TONS of artists out there who are completely self taught?

The other day I watched the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy for the first time (yeah, I know…I just didn’t get into it when they came out…sorry!) and I love the character of Gollum / Smeagol…the conversations between his “good” and “bad” sides reminds me so much of my constant back and forth between my “strong” and “weak” personalities. I myself have written down these conversations. I always tell myself that I have got to allow my stronger side to be right more often. But it is a struggle and requires a lot more therapy sessions! (hahaha)

I guess the bottom line is that I am insecure. I certainly don’t come across as insecure, but the reason I say this is because I seem to be too afraid to cross the line. I stay where it is safe. I don’t try to challenge myself and put myself out there. I don’t take risks. I don’t accept that I am “only” self-taught but that I have just as much a right to own my creativity. The other day a friend of mine told me I should sell some of my stuff. If what was going on inside of me could have been shown on screen, you would have seen me running a million miles a minute to a dark corner, covering my face yelling ” no! no! I am not deserving!!” So perhaps what I really need to work on is to own up to the fact that being self taught doesn’t mean you are any worse or less than all these educated people out there.

So pathetic!!!

and there you go…that’s what I have been thinking about in the last days. Don’t worry, I may be insecure and think I am not deserving…but one thing I am is very stubborn…and somewhere deep inside there is a loud voice screaming quietly: don’t give up!!!!!